And now...

Panic, chaos, disorder...

my work here is done!

Couldn't resist.

I had a panic attack today.  Hate it when that happens.

I heard a man interviewed that said having a panic attack was the scariest thing that ever happened to him.  That made me feel a little less crazy and sort of strong.

I was in Kohl's to pay a bill and just ended up wandering the store with tears streaming down my face, not sure what to do and trying to keep from someone seeing me and asking if I was okay.  I was terrified of going anywhere, even home.  I managed to make it home and take a literal chill pill.  It makes me sleepy so I crashed in bed for several hours until 10pm.  I feel better, though fragile.  I'm also now wide awake.  I've already read a novel so now I am here.

My panic attacks are far less frequent.  Today was scary because it was so swift and I've never been afraid to come home.

I'm writing this here to remind myself that even though tonight was bad...things have been getting better.

This one's for you mom...

Mom and I always wanted recipes on the computer and it didn't work out with the limits of the eighties.

Well now I have a blog for my recipes!

It's not quite how I want it...yet.  I loaded up a bunch of recipes in December and I hope to add two recipes a month.

If you're interested check it out at Good dooF.

!!!...

And so the inevitable begins...

Not sleeping...

so might as well post something!!

Poor Riker!

Everyone, all together now...

Awwwwwwwwwwwww!

I wish this was our sidewalk!

And so it begins...

Thanks for the encouragement Boromir!

With January first landing on a Tuesday the rest of the week was an awkward mix of vacation and fresh start.  I was already feeling a bit behind until my buddy Boromir came along.

I picture the last few years like being sick in bed.  The picture in my head is from decades ago when people actually took to their beds when they were ill.  A while ago was like being unconscious, which then progressed to feverish delirium   Last year was truly a new hope for us and was the equivalent of being helped up to a sitting position and being fed spoonfuls of nourishing soup.  Well this year seems to be ripe with encouragement and challenge, like taking first steps after confinement to a bed.  Scary.  Exciting.  Unsure.  Vital.

I'm almost afraid to have goals...make plans.  Last year felt safer, yet this year feels ripe, ready.

Last year, my goals were pretty straight-forward.  This year they seem a little bit slippery but worth going after.

Here are a few goals...just bits really...they are still forming and growing...I'm mostly recording them here so that I can remember...
respond to the first book of Psalms
take up what I was bullied to lay down
crochet a granny square
find joy in cooking
be confident, relaxed and positive

Downton Abbey returns!!!...

Season Three begins tomorrow...yay!

In the meantime:

Downton Arby's!

http://screen.yahoo.com/downton-arby-s-28723019.html

Happy New Year!!!...

Cheers to a curious 2013!